Wednesday, January 5, 2011

5 years

I will warn you that this post rambles and may not make sense to those less crazy than I.  

I have a dear friend who doesn't "do" calendars.  She has this theory that they perpetuate the idea that we have an infinite amount of time when in actuality we aren't guaranteed tomorrow - read her crazy rantings here  I understand her concept, it's a good concept, but I see calendars differently.  For me they are like diaries.  They document the passage of time in our lives.  Looking at someone's calendar can be very personal and can tell you a lot about a person - when and where they like to have coffee, do they celebrate birthdays/anniversaries, if they are involved in PTA, dance, workout and other life activities.  If you'd looked at my calendar six years ago it would have been filled Dr. appointments, emergency surgeries, ICU survival, day trips to dad's.  I documented every thing. I guess I felt if I kept up with every detail the year wouldn't feel like a losing battle. And yet, at the end of that long crazy year, dad died.  No amount of documenting could keep the inevitable from happening.
After his funeral, I had the flu.  I had never had the flu before and I haven't since.  I still remember feeling like death had come to visit itself upon me.  Hubby drove the two and a half hours back home while the fever took hold of me.  I honestly do not remember getting home.  I don't know who took care of my kids for several days.  I only know I woke up and realized that a week had past since his death and I was no longer sick.  From that day forward I haven't looked back.  I have never visited his tombstone. I threw myself into the business of making friends in my community.  I started to live a life that didn't revolve around the crazy world of cancer.  It took time effort on my part, but I don't regret it.  To be hokey, his death gave me a new perspective on life.  Not that life was short, meh I knew that.  Not to hold close to those you love now cause you don't know when they'll be gone, people tend to know how I feel about them (I have a look).  My perspective was to stop documenting life and start living it.  I got involved with the world around me.  I think I made my mark on people.  I feel that if I die I will be remember by folks who aren't related to me - and, as odd as it sounds, that is important to me.  
     To end this weird and rambling post, today will not be sad for me.  I don't considered this as a dark day, I don't mourn as much as I use to, time doesn't heal it just helps dull the pain - If I think too hard I can get emotional, but I'm a girl - that's what we do.  Instead of wallowing in grief over something I can't change, I will instead do all my daily errands (groceries, get copies of the house key made (cause I accidentally locked hubby out in the cold last night, yeah I kinda thought that was funny), pimp out Avon).  I will go fill my calendar with my day to day life so that it reflects all the happiness in my life now.

This post was brought to you by a too early morning and not enough coffee.  


  1. I feel the same way with leaving a mark when I'm gone, and just so you know, you've left a mark on me. And I laughed at the locking your hubby out part. ((hugs))

  2. Just love what you say about living life rather than documenting it!

    Interesting how your body protected you by making you so sick with the flu, you couldn't mark the days of grief over your dad's passing. Your body did the suffering for you...

    You have made a mark in my life, you know. xx

  3. I <3 you and your journaled calendar. I'm with Shay and Marisa. You've left your mark in my life, too. ::hugs::

  4. Marisa - I always say Daddy's cancer was years of guilt eating away at his stomach, so I find it very intriguing that my grief would manifest itself as the flu.

    Shay, Marisa, and Jordan (which is still very weird for me to say :P) - I feel privileged to be part of your lives <3